I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
