Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
