I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
