Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
