Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The Olympian is in my bed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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