You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
