I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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