***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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