dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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