I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
