What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
