You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
