And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
