The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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