my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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