I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
