please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
