how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
