smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
