I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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