dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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