At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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