I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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