Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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