I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
