we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
they need to just BURY HIM!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
