I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
