Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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