New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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