I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
