Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That accounts for only three of the penises
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
