does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
