we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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