sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
