Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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