seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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