I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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