Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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