Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You are the jesus of drinking
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
