I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
