everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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