if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
