I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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