she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
