On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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