I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
