4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
