She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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