I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
