Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
